Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
