Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
