I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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