I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
