def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
