I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Semen is not good for contacts.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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