if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The Olympian is in my bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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