i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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