I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
