Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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