2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
