matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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