She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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