you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I love having hate sex.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
