The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
