sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
