You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
