i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
