He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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