I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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