i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
