She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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