The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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