I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
