I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
