This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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