dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
