Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
