I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
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Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have aggressive nipples.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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