I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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