sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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