Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
