if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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