How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
