He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
His nipple licking is glorious
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