hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
