the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
