She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize