my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
