You just made me feel so damn special
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
