remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
how does that bad decision feel?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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