I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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