my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
