I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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