so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just pynch a tree in the face
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Randomize
