Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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