My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
