Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
