So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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