i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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