I'm jealous of your bromance
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
