He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
