I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
