At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
